Wankerback Draft Guide: The Elite

1. John 'Assrocket' Hinderaker

Salary: $37 | PF: 8 | WPP: 8 | ID: 11

A self-hating lawyer, Assrocket combines breathless man love for George W. Bush with willful misreadings of the news of the day for a toxic stew of sucking-fucking wingnuttery. - AP

Fast Fact: The Assrocket is whiter than a Dreyer's Vanilla Ice Cream-sponsored Nordic Combined Team in the Swedish Special Olympics Trials (Albino Division).

2. Glenn 'Instafuckwit' Reynolds

Salary: $36 | PF: 11 | WPP: 6 | ID: 10

Though he is the undisputed king of Eliminationist Linkage, Reynolds is by no means a one-dimensional player. He'll rack up the Roving Eye, Briarpatching and Projection points for any owner lucky enough to draft him, and will hit the occasional BWP out of the park. - AP

Fast Fact: Reynolds dreams of one day ordering his Venusian slave clones to infiltrate the Library of Congress, where they will deploy a nanobot virus to destroy the original document of the U.S. Constitution, except for the Second Amendment.

3. Jeff 'Count Cockula' Goldstein

Salary: $36 | PF: 11 | WPP: 6 | ID: 10

From cock-slapping to Blog Warring, Goldstein is rated higher by some experts than even Hinderaker and Reynolds. Time will tell. But have no doubt, this up-and-coming wankerback is poised to do great things. - AP

Fast Fact: Goldstein touched your sister in her private places. Lots.

4. Hugh Hewitt

Salary: $35 | PF: 6 | WPP: 8 | ID: 9

Asshole's asshole Hewitt doesn't look pretty when wanking (God, that wrote itself), but he gets the job done. An excellent No. 1 starter at wankerback for most teams. - AP

Fast Fact: Hewitt calls Liberals are 'It'! infinity periods no take-backs. So neener.

5. 'Cap'n' Ed Morrissey

Salary: $33 | PF: 7 | WPP: 8 | ID: 7

Morrissey sometimes goes hours between misrepresenting facts, but make no mistake, nobody executes the Roving Eye play with more consistency. A solid No. 1 pick at wankerback. - AP

Fast Fact: The Cap'n is in fact a Midwest call center manager, but has piloted many a "Prairie Schooner" from bull's rectum to blog post, hence the nautical sobriquet.

6. Josh 'Tacitus' Trevino

Salary: $29 | PF: 7 | WPP: 10 | ID: 6

As prolific as he is pedantic, Tacitus never met a complex indefinite clause he couldn't weasel stodgily into a sentence to cover his ass. Be sure to monitor all of Trevino's incarnations, because he posts in numerous corners of the Wingnutosphere. Though Trevino is stylistically indebted to both William F. Buckley and Victor Davis Hanson, the turgid slabs of uninspired nonsense that creep glacially from his keyboard are 100 percent Tacitus. - AP

Fast Fact: "Tacitus" is Latin for "verbose creep".

7. Vox Day

Salary: $27 | PF: 5 | WPP: 7 | ID: 9

One of the new generation of race warriors, Voxie Brown (as he's known to his fan) likes Teutons, Nords and, of course, bad science fiction. His refusal to adhere to conventional wisdom has resulted in notoriety, hate mail and demands for a 72-hour involuntary hold. Send lawyers, guns and money - this boy's on fire! - S

Fast Fact: Voxie's favorite movie is "The Crying Game."

8. Scott 'Synclephant' Johnson

Salary: $25 | PF: 7 | WPP: 7 | ID: 9

Along with fellow Powerline second-banana Paul Mirengoff, Johnson's first-rate wankery often gets overshadowed by the masturbationful work of King Assrocket. Don't be fooled: This is one workmanlike wingnut and would be a fine addition to any UWFW team as a No. 2 starter. - AP

Fast Fact: Johnson is neither the really ugly one nor the really evil one in the Powerline trio.

9. Paul 'Legal Sméagol' Mirengoff

Salary: $25 | PF: 7 | WPP: 7 | ID: 9

By day, he plies his trade as a high-powered Washington, D.C. attorney representing a Republican clientele. By night, he is a relentless Internet scold representing a Republican clientele. In short, Mirengoff couldn't tell the truth if he was shot up with sodium pentothal and dragged by Wonder Woman's golden lasso to be interviewed by Barbara Walters while cutting onions. Which is pretty much what you look for in a wankerback. - AP

Fast Fact: Mirengoff's affection for English Premiership footballers Everton has absolutely nothing to do with the historic anti-Irish and anti-Catholic sectarianism of the Liverpool club's supporters.

10. Michael J. 'Rotten' Totten

Salary: $22 | PF: 6 | WPP: 5 | ID: 8

The jury is still out on Totten. On the one hand, his recent apostasy (half-heartedly questioning whether innocent Lebanese Christians who support Israel ought to be smashed as Hezbollah collaborators) has some observers cautioning against drafting the longtime Likudnik. On the other hand, a long-standing record of ginned-up outrage and malevolent deceit encourages many Totten supporters who believe their man will pull out of his slump and return to form. - AP

Fast Fact: Totten's vendetta against liberals can be traced to an August, 2000 Green Party meet-up in Portland, Ore., during which a long-haired male in a hemp shirt and sandals took the last danish.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

KEY - PF: Posting Frequency ... WPP: Wankage Per Post ... ID: Intellectual Dishonesty

AUTHORS - AP: Assparrot ... S: Snag

PAGE 1 | PAGE 2 | PAGE 3 | PRINTER-FRIENDLY