Paid Shill Draft Guide: The Elite

1. Rush Limbaugh

Salary: $XX | SBC: X | WhI: X | RPS+: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS - AP

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

12. Ace of Spades

Salary: $XX | SBC: X | WhI: X | RPS+: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS - AP

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

13. Sean S.

Salary: $22 | PF: 6 | EPP: 8 | OM: 8

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: Sean S. is living proof that 999 of the 1,000 monkeys commonly regarded as necessary to type a random grammatical sentence are, in fact, extraneous.

14. Confederate Yankee

Salary: $22 | PF: 8 | EPP: 6 | OM: 6

Is Confederate Yankee a standard-issue Southern racist who happens to be a front-running baseball fan? Or is he a self-hating Northern bigot who jacks off to "Birth of a Nation"? Visit his blog for the full, tedious explanation! - AP

Fast Fact: The nom-du-blog "Confederate Yankee" wasn't C.Y.'s first choice, but "Stalinist Nazi" had already been taken.

15. Steve the Pirate

Salary: $21 | PF: 4 | EPP: 8 | OM: 9

You've got your cretins. You've got your violently racist cretins. And then you've got your violently racist cretins who like to pretend they're pirates. Two words describe this highly touted young eliminationist: limitless upside. - AP

Fast Fact: Steve the Pirate dreams of someday restructuring American society around the scene in "Die Hard 3" where Bruce Willis has to stand on a Harlem street corner wearing a sandwich board that says "I Hate Niggers".

16. Steve Sturm

Salary: $20 | PF: X | EPP: X | OM: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

17. Adam Yoshida

Salary: $18 | PF: 2 | EPP: 11 | GM: 500 megatons

A risky pick, Yoshida could dazzle you with several consecutive KTKTA posts ... or he could go weeks without posting at all. That's just how he rolls. - AP

Fast Fact: Yoshida is Chairman and sole member of Canada's ultra-conservative National Shut-In Party.

18. David Horowitz

Salary: $18 | PF: 5 | EPP: 7 | GM: 8

David is one of those players whose surface versatility masks a certain numbing consistency. One decade he's an enraged student radical, calling for the destruction of the system. The next, he's an enraged middle-aged radical, calling for the destruction of the system. Relying on this common theme of violence and rage, "Red Diaper" Horowitz has single-handedly managed to invert the meanings of civil rights, freedom and honesty. Not bad for a kid who couldn't land a real job! - S

Fast Fact: Back in the '60s? When everybody was getting some? David wasn't.

19. 'Dr.' Michael Hurd

Salary: $17 | PF: 3 | EPP: 7 | GM: 8

Doctor, doctor, give me the news ... I've got a bad case of the Objectivist Blues! "Babyface" Hurd manages to combine love for Ayn Rand with an expectation that he'll get paid to make people feel better about themselves. Cognitive dissonance? Not a problem for someone who's appeared on radio stations spanning the globe, from Crookston, Minn. to Moberly, Mo. When he says his newsletter contains "ideas and views you won't hear in too many other places," he ain't just whistling Dixie! - S

Fast Fact: People who say that being a Personal Life Coach isn't a real job are liars. Stupid, jealous liars.

20. Michael Savage

Salary: $17 | PF: N/A | EPP: N/A | OM: 11

When Voltaire said, "God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh," he had Michael Savage in mind. Mikey inexplicably failed to serve in Vietnam during the years that his high school buddies were bleeding and dying, but he more than makes up for it with the insults he screams over the airwaves. An obsession with gays and violence typifies his broadcasts. - S

Fast Fact: Mike has not seen the movie "Cruising." Twelve times.

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KEY - SBC: SoundBytes Created ... WhI: Whoreishness Index ...
RPS+: Rimjob average Plus Sucking percentage (adjusted)

AUTHORS - AP: Assparrot ... S: Snag

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