Jesus Lady Draft Guide: Steady Performers

11. Jack Chick

Salary: $25 | GBA: 4 | PH: 5 | LERP: 5

Probably the nicest thing one could say about Apocolyptic cartoonist Jack Chick is that if Chick, Howard Hughes and Mel Gibson were stranded on a desert island, and Chick and Gibson killed and ate Hughes, then Chick would probably have to be considered the "saner one" amongst the remaining pair. - AP

Fast Fact: Remember that scene in the film "As Good As It Gets", when Jack Nicholson slams the door in a woman's face saying, "Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here"? What the camera doesn't show is that the woman then goes to Jack Chick's apartment ... where she is invited in for pickles and Hawaiian Punch.

12. "Downfrown" Judy Brown

Salary: $25 | GBA: 5 | PH: 9 | LERP: 6

"Contraception is not the answer!" scolds the abortion-obsessed Judy Brown in a recent column. And she's absolutely right ... if we're being asked, "How does one endure married life with Judy Brown?" In which case, the answer would probably be "twin beds" or "lots of business trips". But if the question is, "How does one enjoy a healthy sex life without producing a brood that would intimidate a 16th-century French peasant woman?" ... well, sorry Judy, but ... not so much. - AP

Fast Fact: Hey! You kids stop having abortions on my lawn or there'll be hell to pay!

13. Marvin Olasky

Salary: $25 | GBA: 7 | PH: 6 | LERP: 4

Baseball fan Olasky's favorite ballplayer is Atlanta's born-again pitcher John Smoltz, who once confided to the Townhall.com prude: "A few years ago, I put a Bible in each player's locker, just to see what happened." What happened was nothing - which just goes to show you how much some professional athletes will put up with from a guy who can give you 20+ quality starts or save 50 games, as necessary. - AP

Fast Fact: Teach a man to write a crappy column for Townhall.com, and you feed him for life.

14. Peggy Noonan

Salary: $24 | GBA: 5 | PH: 8 | LERP: 5

Nooners is the inspiration for the term "Jesus Lady" - usually preceded by "Crazy" - though she typically doesn't actually write about Jesus all that much. (Unless you consider Ronald Reagan to be the Second Coming ...) Still, when she does get religion, it's strictly the bugfuck kind. Just ask Elian and the dolphins. An iffy pick at the position, but Noonan does go on hot streaks sometimes. - AP

Fast Fact: Nooners recently took a nine-month leave of absence from her column to not write a book.

15. LaShawn Barber

Salary: $23 | GBA: 8 | PH: 5 | LERP: 4

LaShawn is "first and foremost a believer in and follower of Jesus Christ." That would be the Jesus who believed in handguns and internment camps. Although combating rationality is itself a full-time job, LaShawn still finds time to speak at the annual God Blog Con, where she regularly appears on the Flat Earth Society panel and recently delivered the keynote lecture, "Copernicus, Galileo and Clinton: Stupid or Evil?" - S

Fast Fact: Wallace Shawn is a brilliant actor, author and raconteur, whose writings look deep into the heart of morality and the human condition. LaShawn is not named for him.

16. Ramesh Ponnuru

Salary: $23 | GBA: 8 | PH: 7 | LERP: 4

As bitchy as he is prissy, it's difficult to tell how much of Ramesh Ponnuru's line of moralizing bullshit he actually believes, and how much is just the undersexed contrarianism of a niche-seeking man-child. - AP

Fast Fact: Ponnuru recently had his curfew extended to 10:30pm.

17. Mark H. Creech

Salary: $22 | GBA: 4 | PH: 7 | LERP: 4

Mark H. Creech - Biblical scholar, columnist and historian: "... when 'Hell' was preached from the pulpit, there was less hell in the streets and in the home. But when 'Hell' was no longer preached in the churches and largely abandoned as an outdated, archaic religious concept, one finds hell ran rampant throughout the culture." Ah, yes ... the good old days. Less hell in the streets and in the home, slightly more in the slave quarters and the poorhouses. Guess it all kind of evens out, no? - AP

Fast Fact: Hell is other people ... who happen to be Mark H. Creech.

18. Jack Van Impe

Salary: $20 | GBA: 3 | PH: 7 | LERP: 7

"I hear so much about the Antichrist in the End Times, but what is the role of the False Prophet?" asks Tim Smith of Southbridge, Mass. in one of Van Impe's recent "Questions of the Week". Way to go straight to the horse's mouth, Tim! - AP

Fast Fact: Van Impe's Intelligence Briefing newsletter features a section on "Plagues and Pestilences". We shit you not.

19. Donald E. Wildmon

Salary: $20 | GBA: 3 | PH: 8 | LERP: 4

Admitted total failure Donald E. Wildmon on the story behind the formation of the American Family Association: "One evening in 1977 I sat down with my family to watch TV. On one channel was adultery, on another cursing, on another a man beating another over the head with a hammer. I asked the children to turn off the TV. I sat there, got angry, and said, 'They're going to bring this into my home, and I'm going to do all I can to change it.' ... " Not to pick on the guy, but weren't there, like, only four TV channels in 1977, featuring relatively tame programming? And now there's thousands of cable channels that show everything from polygamy to penetration? Way to go, Donald! You really "changed" television! - AP

Fast Fact: "Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis and Donald E. Wildmon exist solely to justify each other's careers.

20. Hans Zeiger

Salary: $20 | GBA: 8 | PH: 5 | LERP: 4

It's fortunate that blossoming theocrat Hans Zeiger has an editor to change the headline he suggests for all of his Renew America columns. Because "Let's Outlaw Fun!" would get a tad repetitious after a while. UWFW owners willing to take a flyer on the youngster at Jesus Lady could be very happy by season's end. - AP

Fast Fact: Hans was voted "Most Likely to Rat Out Mom & Dad for Fornicating" by his home school class.

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KEY - GBA: God Bothering Average ... PH: Pharisee Phactor ...
LERP: Logs-per-Eye over Replacement Prayer

AUTHORS - AP: Assparrot ... S: Snag

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