Jesus Lady Draft Guide: The Elite

1. Pastor J. Grant Swank, Jr.

Salary: $40 | GBA: 666 | PH: 8 | LERP: 10

Terror-Islamics global in fear quake to hosannahs heavenly from Pastor Swank's keyboard streaming endlessly forth would are have is. Not-Biblers warned be! Relationship personal with Jesus, plus, syntax Yoda-inspired: rhetorical one-two punch mighty equals! Run, on the: Muslims unChristian, womb-souls wed-unlocked, eyes crossed-un. - AP

Fast Fact: Reading Pastor Swank's columns backwards reveals the European dates of the 2009 KISS reunion tour.

2. Coach Dave Daubenmire

Salary: $37 | GBA: 8 | PH: 7 | LERP: 11

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

3. Kaye Grogan

Salary: $37 | GBA: 8 | PH: 6 | LERP: 7

Comma comma comma comma comma chameleon ... your, dumb and, slow ... your, dumb and, slow ... Laughing is so easy 'cause you're pantsuit is such a, scream ... Red, gold, and, green ... Red, gold, and, green ... - AP

Fast Fact: Kaye's picture appears in the dictionary next to "[sic]".

4. Marie Jon'

Salary: $36 | GBA: 8 | PH: 8 | LERP: 5

What better way to profile this delightfully con'fused sex kitten than' to let her speak for herself : "Bill Clinton is alive and well, as Madeleine Albright." Amen', sister! Hallelujah! Uhh ... what? - AP

Fast Fact: The best way to locate Marie Jon' is by following the trail of blue-balled church deacons she leaves in her wake.

5. Rev. Pat Robertson

Salary: $34 | GBA: 5 | PH: 10 | LERP: 8

If America was the country Pat Robertson would like it to be, the government would be run by a gang of Born-Agains, swindlers and bullies hell-bent on bashing gays, rolling back reproductive rights, abandoning the poor and fomenting war in the Middle East. We sure are lucky that hasn't happened! - AP

Fast Fact: Nine out of 10 atheists agree that their biggest regret is not being able to take solace in God's plan for Pat Robertson in the hereafter.

6. Rev. Fred Phelps

Salary: $33 | GBA: 1 | PH: legion | LERP: infinity

Phelps is a one-trick pony ... but what a trick it is. Basically, the "pastor" of the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas (flock: Phelps & offspring) has determined that every bad thing EVAR is the fault of gay people. This charming fellow's UWFW ranking would be off the charts, if only he changed his public message more than once a decade (Phelps considers the Matthew Shepard trial to be "breaking news"). - AP

Fast Fact: Satan has pre-ordered an eternity's supply of Baby Jesus Buttplugs in preparation for Phelps' death.

7. "Dr." James Dobson

Salary: $33 | GBA: 7 | PH: 7 | LERP: 6

The Good Doctor has a prescription for Hollywood: Remove the tubes! And the tits, the tarts, the tats and the tawdry tabloid tell-alls! Because our children must never, NEVER learn that human beings have nipples ... let alone other dangly instruments of Satan! - AP

Fast Fact: Less intelligent Focus on the Family followers have been known to mail actual Astroturf to their local newspapers' editorial boards.

8. Cal Thomas

Salary: $32 | GBA: 8 | PH: 5 | LERP: 6

So some Russkie math geek solved the Poincaré conjecture? Pshaw! says Thomas. Here's a real challenge for you pointy-headed M.I.T. nerds: "Many complex mathematical formulas have been solved, but not '666,' which is the 'mark of the beast' foretold in Revelation. Many have guessed at its meaning, but the answer has eluded them." We're waiting, brainiacs! - AP

Fast Fact: Thomas decided to shave his moustache when his (heterosexual, natch) barber told him it would make him look more "Bork-like".

9. Rev. Jerry Falwell

Salary: $30 | GBA: 4 | PH: 9 | LERP: 7

Contra-Wormer, fat, smug and stupid is apparently a pretty good way to go through life ... as the comfortable career of Rev. Falwell attests. By our math - given even the slimmest interpretation of Falwell's claims of a "Moral Majority" - the 49 percent of Americans who are sinners each engage in premarital sex five times a week, get divorced twice every six years, have two abortions in their lifetime and covet roughly six billion neighbors' asses a day. - AP

Fast Fact: Falwell sued Hustler publisher Larry Flynt over a cartoon because it was really the Reverend's father who he fucked in the outhouse.

10. Dawn Eden

Salary: $27 | GBA: 9 | PH: 4 | LERP: 4

Who knew that if you see a little old lady from your apartment building carrying plastic boxes to the dumpster, you can go out later and get those boxes for yourself?!? But only if you say St. Maximilian Kolbe's version of the Miraculous Medal prayer! Thanks, Dawn Eden! God really does give marginally useful crap to superstitious mutterers who catch old neighbor ladies throwing it away! - AP

Fast Fact: Dawn's favorite car game is "20 Novenas".

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KEY - GBA: God Bothering Average ... PH: Pharisee Phactor ...
LERP: Logs-per-Eye over Replacement Prayer

AUTHORS - AP: Assparrot ... S: Snag

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