THE BASICS: Like fantasy football or baseball, Ultimate Wingnut Fantasy Wankball (UWFW) is a point-scoring game in which participants, or "owners", select a team of players which competes against other owners' teams over the course of a season.
WANKERBACK DRAFT GUIDE
1. John 'Assrocket' Hinderaker
Salary: $37 | PF: 8 | WPP: 8 | ID: 11
A self-hating lawyer, Assrocket combines breathless man love for George W. Bush with willful misreadings of the news of the day for a toxic stew of sucking-fucking wingnuttery. - APFast Fact: The Assrocket is whiter than a Dreyer's Vanilla Ice Cream-sponsored Nordic Combined Team in the Swedish Special Olympics Trials (Albino Division).
2. Glenn 'Instafuckwit' Reynolds
Salary: $36 | PF: 11 | WPP: 6 | ID: 10
Though he is the undisputed king of Eliminationist Linkage, Reynolds is by no means a one-dimensional player. He'll rack up the Roving Eye, Briarpatching and Projection points for any owner lucky enough to draft him, and will hit the occasional BWP out of the park. - APFast Fact: Reynolds dreams of one day ordering his Venusian slave clones to infiltrate the Library of Congress, where they will deploy a nanobot virus to destroy the original document of the U.S. Constitution, except for the Second Amendment.
3. Jeff 'Count Cockula' Goldstein
Salary: $36 | PF: 11 | WPP: 6 | ID: 10
From cock-slapping to Blog Warring, Goldstein is rated higher by some experts than even Hinderaker and Reynolds. Time will tell. But have no doubt, this up-and-coming wankerback is poised to do great things. - APFast Fact: Goldstein touched your sister in her private places. Lots.
4. Hugh Hewitt
Salary: $35 | PF: 6 | WPP: 8 | ID: 9
Asshole's asshole Hewitt doesn't look pretty when wanking (God, that wrote itself), but he gets the job done. An excellent No. 1 starter at wankerback for most teams. - APFast Fact: Hewitt calls Liberals are 'It'! infinity periods no take-backs. So neener.
Salary: $33 | PF: 7 | WPP: 8 | ID: 7
Morrissey sometimes goes hours between misrepresenting facts, but make no mistake, nobody executes the Roving Eye play with more consistency. A solid No. 1 pick at wankerback. - APFast Fact: The Cap'n is in fact a Midwest call center manager, but has piloted many a "Prairie Schooner" from bull's rectum to blog post, hence the nautical sobriquet.
Salary: $29 | PF: 7 | WPP: 10 | ID: 6
As prolific as he is pedantic, Tacitus never met a complex indefinite clause he couldn't weasel stodgily into a sentence to cover his ass. Be sure to monitor all of Trevino's incarnations, because he posts in numerous corners of the Wingnutosphere. Though Trevino is stylistically indebted to both William F. Buckley and Victor Davis Hanson, the turgid slabs of uninspired nonsense that creep glacially from his keyboard are 100 percent Tacitus. - APFast Fact: "Tacitus" is Latin for "verbose creep".
7. Vox Day
Salary: $27 | PF: 5 | WPP: 7 | ID: 9
One of the new generation of race warriors, Voxie Brown (as he's known to his fan) likes Teutons, Nords and, of course, bad science fiction. His refusal to adhere to conventional wisdom has resulted in notoriety, hate mail and demands for a 72-hour involuntary hold. Send lawyers, guns and money - this boy's on fire! - SFast Fact: Voxie's favorite movie is "The Crying Game."
8. Scott 'Synclephant' Johnson
Salary: $25 | PF: 7 | WPP: 7 | ID: 9
Along with fellow Powerline second-banana Paul Mirengoff, Johnson's first-rate wankery often gets overshadowed by the masturbationful work of King Assrocket. Don't be fooled: This is one workmanlike wingnut and would be a fine addition to any UWFW team as a No. 2 starter. - APFast Fact: Johnson is neither the really ugly one nor the really evil one in the Powerline trio.
9. Paul 'Legal Sméagol' Mirengoff
Salary: $25 | PF: 7 | WPP: 7 | ID: 9
By day, he plies his trade as a high-powered Washington, D.C. attorney representing a Republican clientele. By night, he is a relentless Internet scold representing a Republican clientele. In short, Mirengoff couldn't tell the truth if he was shot up with sodium pentothal and dragged by Wonder Woman's golden lasso to be interviewed by Barbara Walters while cutting onions. Which is pretty much what you look for in a wankerback. - APFast Fact: Mirengoff's affection for English Premiership footballers Everton has absolutely nothing to do with the historic anti-Irish and anti-Catholic sectarianism of the Liverpool club's supporters.
10. Michael J. 'Rotten' Totten
Salary: $22 | PF: 6 | WPP: 5 | ID: 8
The jury is still out on Totten. On the one hand, his recent apostasy (half-heartedly questioning whether innocent Lebanese Christians who support Israel ought to be smashed as Hezbollah collaborators) has some observers cautioning against drafting the longtime Likudnik. On the other hand, a long-standing record of ginned-up outrage and malevolent deceit encourages many Totten supporters who believe their man will pull out of his slump and return to form. - APFast Fact: Totten's vendetta against liberals can be traced to an August, 2000 Green Party meet-up in Portland, Ore., during which a long-haired male in a hemp shirt and sandals took the last danish.
11. Tim Blair
Salary: $22 | PF: 5 | WPP: 6 | ID: 8
Until just a few years ago, Blair was limited to spewing the sort of mundane obnoxiousness that can be traded, fart-like, for the evacuation of the barstool next to you in a typical Melbourne pub. Then he discovered the wingnutosphere. Immediately embraced by the international orc contingent as their favorite pet koala bear with dull teeth and blunted claws, Blair has never looked back. - APFast Fact: Blair is an assistant editor for news at the weekly magazine "The Bulletin", which until 1961 featured on its masthead the charmingly inclusive slogan, "Australia for the White Man".
12. Stephen Green
Salary: $22 | PF: 6 | WPP: 8 | ID: 5
During his early teenage years, Green's parents began to notice a strange pattern: Whenever the new Sharper Image or Banana Republic catalogues arrived in the mail, their son would lock himself in the bathroom for long stretches of time. Chalking it up to the boy's self-imposed high-fiber diet, the Greens thought little of it. Little, that is, until that fateful day they returned home unexpectedly from a weekend getaway to discover their fully clothed son examining the contents of the family's linen closet and muttering coherently about "thread count". Mr. and Mrs. Green, disinterestedly concerned, immediately banned all wearing of madras for a month, revoked the lad's cocktail-serving robot privileges and returned to their policy of strict parental neglect. But the die was cast. Stephen Green, as the Wingnutosphere's Vodkapundit, would go on to give voice to the inner pettiness that he just knew would strike a shallow, fleeting chord with the like-minded carboard cut-out people whom he dispassionately suspected might exist in the theoretically real world that lay outside the IKEA-Pottery Barn corridor of his own pleasantly bored life. - APFast Fact: Stephen Green has to return some video tapes.
13. Patterico
Salary: $22 | PF: 7 | WPP: 6 | ID: 9
Despite his stellar statistics, particularly in the crucial metric of Intellectual Dishonesty, Patterico has yet to prove his staying power in the wankerback ranks. Still, if there's a steal to be had in your UWFW draft, it could well be this up-and-comer. Smart owners will snatch him up to fill their No. 2 wankerback slot, and late-position drafters might even want to consider him for a No. 1 pick. - APFast Fact: Patterico, by day a Los Angeles County prosecutor, has convicted dozens of gang leaders on the basis of suspicious IP addresses.
14. Dan Riehl
Salary: XX | PF: X | WPP: X | ID: X
SOMEBODY WRITE THIS - APFast Fact: Behavioral scientists employing cutting edge facial recognition software have determined that Riehl's bone structure is uncommonly attractive to wielders of cream pies.
15. Eugene Volokh
Salary: $21 | PF: 7 | WPP: 7 | ID: 6
Eugene Volokh currently holds an endowed chair at UCLA School of Law, proving that a Bruin won't let a head injury slow him down. His "Volokh Conspiracy" blog has attracted a like-minded cadre of otherwise unemployable attorneys. That's right, a conspiracy of tenured professors. Now that takes balls! - SFast Fact: "Eugene" is short for "Eugenics".
16. David Frum
Salary: $21 | PF: 7 | WPP: 7 | ID: 6
SOMEBODY WRITE THIS - APFast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS
17. Roger L. Simon
Salary: $20 | PF: 4 | WPP: 7 | ID: 7
Roger's all about the hat. That is, if you disregard "Scenes From a Mall," something the movie-going public did years ago. When he's not writing for the intergalactic media conglomerate "Pajamas Media" (motto: What the Fuck Were We Thinking?), Roger can be found complaining about Muslims, Hillary Clinton, the UN and anyone else not sufficiently interested in hats. - SFast Fact: A stupid person wearing a hat is still stupid.
18. TigerHawk
Salary: $18 | PF: 8 | WPP: 5 | ID: 6
TigerHawk is a middle-aged businessman with "any number of other trappings of the affluent life in a college town in the Northeast." A fan of freelance psychopath Ralph Peters, but curiously not a military veteran himself, Tigerhawk loves violent war movies and collecting coins. Much to the shame of his Princeton professors, he also names "Atlas Shrugged" as one of his favorite novels. His wife and children fear the day that he tries to reconcile this with his affection for the movie "Trading Places." No need to worry. Nature? Nurture? As long as one has an affluent life, why quibble? - SFast Fact:As an equestrian, Tigerhawk knows that President Bush isn't the only man who's tried to milk a horse.
19. Justin Darr
Salary: $17 | PF: 5 | WPP: 8 | ID: 7
Justin has served in political offices ranging from election judge to election judge. He's a battle-hardened veteran, of retail management. In a remarkable display of candor, he acknowledges being a "fountain of relatively useless knowledge." - SFast Fact: Justin has a dog named Xena. He is also the only resident of the Philadelphia area unfamiliar with the United States Constitution.
20. Ross Douthat
Salary: $16 | PF: 4 | WPP: 8 | ID: 8
Ross got his start as a National Review intern, where he was in charge of compiling rumors about the Gary Condit scandal. Although serving as K-Lo's bitch would be humiliation enough for most people, Ross now writes for the quasi-illustrious American Scene, a blog best known for impenetrable essays on "hegemonic liberalism," the Duke lacrosse team and "Starship Troopers" (the last, deliciously irony-free). - SFast Fact: Some people claim that Ross knew more fart jokes than anyone else at Harvard.
21. Baseball Crank
Salary: $16 | PF: 6 | WPP: 6 | ID: 7
SOMEBODY WRITE THIS - APFast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS
22. Dean Esmay
Salary: $15 | PF: 7 | WPP: 6 | ID: 5
Dean calls himself an autodidact, but there's reason to believe he's confusing the comendable practice of self-teaching with the manly art of self-abuse. This would explain his belief that Christopher Hitchens is "devestatingly brilliant." His favorite "philospher" [sic] is Robert Heinlein, his hobbies include the history of genocide and he acknowledges being driven into a rage by circular arguments. He also believes that Bush the Senior is a progressive liberal. All Dean needs is a disturbing obsession with underage anime to give Steven den Beste (see below) a run for his money. - SFast Fact: Dean met his wife on the Internet, a valuable lesson for people who don't think it's important to read contracts.
23. James Lileks
Salary: $13 | PF: 6 | WPP: 9 | ID: 6
Lileks recently moved up to the major leagues with a unique blend of Midwestern wholesomeness and hysterical bedwetting. Whether it's tracking down interesting gimcracks or composing bitingly dull parodies worthy of Babbitt, Jim-Jim is the go-to guy. - SFast Fact: James collects diner postcards, telephone message pad carbons and rare Norman Rockwell home porn clips. Who says being friendless can't be fun?
Salary: XX | PF: X | WPP: X | ID: X
SOMEBODY WRITE THIS - APFast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS
25. Cathy Seipp
Salary: XX | PF: X | WPP: X | ID: X
SOMEBODY WRITE THIS - APFast Fact:SOMEBODY WRITE THIS
26. The Anchoress
Salary: $7 | PF: 6 | WPP: 6 | ID: 6
This international woman of mystery claims to be a "shy type of person with a liking for anonymity." Others think she's shagadelic, baby! You decide. Either way, she'll tickle your fancy with an obsessive devotion to Dark Ages theology and incoherent political musings. When you're looking for a Catholic to add to your religious mixed nuts, you can count on the Anchoress. - SFast Fact: Some people claim they knew the Anchoress when she was named George.
Salary: $6 | PF: 6 | WPP: 5 | ID: 5
A master of passive aggressive contempt for empathy, McArdle is known for her brainy formulations of all the wrong questions about all the wrong numbers. A withering rebuke from this man-qua-man enthusiast is enough to send even her toughest liberal antagonists scurrying back to the reality-based world. - APFast Fact: Dedicated recipe-blogger McArdle has devised the definitive 350-step method for making soggy toast on a budget.
28. Andrew Sullivan
Salary: $6 | PF: 7 | WPP: 9 | ID: 3
Sadly, Sully has moderated his testosterone intake of late ... as a result, this once-proud Bush enabler is but a bare, backed-up shell of his former self. With very few of his friends and colleagues willing to swallow his "fifth column" dribblings anymore, Sullivan has done an about-face professionally, going from top to bottom in record time. - APFast Fact: Sullivan is currently battling John Arivosis for the Biggest Sense of Entitlement Award at the 2007 Bloggies.
29. Ann Althouse
Salary: $6 | PF: 6 | WPP: 5 | ID: 8
As bland as poi but minus the discernable ethnicity, Prof. Althouse instructs law students at the University of Wisconsin on the finer points of masking rightward creep with umbrage-taking. Would rank higher as a wankerback, but for the tediousness of monitoring her scoring attempts. - APFast Fact: Ann Althouse is so non-partisan, she writes in Joe Lieberman for every office on every ballot she ever casts.
Salary: $2 | PF: 1 | WPP: Mugendai | ID: 3
Having largely drifted from the political scene, Steven remains legendary for his affection for anime portraits of young Japanese girls. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Long-time readers still remember him as captain of the USS Clueless, where he regularly wanked forth on the events of the day in the style of Kirk on the bridge. Now we have mostly memories and a growing concern for his neighbors. - SFast Fact: Steven likes holding hands, long walks on the beach and soundproofed panel vans.
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KEY - PF: Posting Frequency ... EPP: Eliminationism Per Post ... OM: Overall Misanthropy
AUTHORS - AP: Assparrot ... S: Snag
