Eliminationist Draft Guide: The Elite

1. Emperor Darth Misha I

Salary: $41 | PF: 9 | EPP: 10 | OM: 11

Is there anything the Emperor doesn't do well? We mean, aside from exhibiting the possession of a human soul? Does he post frequently? Check. Visit snarling rhetorical torture and death upon opponents large and small on a daily basis? Check. Exult in smearing the religion of a billion people with racist language? Check. Demand the collective punishment via the most limb-rending means possible for any and all sentient life inhabiting regions of the world (a.k.a. all of it except for the most controversial Israeli settlements and certain portions of the U.S.) he dislikes? Ridicule as "treason" or "appeasment" any suggested solution for a complex political, social or international problem that falls a fraction short of bombarding it with exploding white phospherous and stringing up anyone who disagrees from the nearest tree? Perversely revel in accurate descriptions by sane people of his media output as "proto-fascist", "jackbooted thuggery", "the insane ravings of a deeply disturbed individual" etc., etc.? Check, check and check. The fact is, Eliminationists just don't come any more well-rounded and violently insane than this guy. - AP

Fast Fact: In 1988, Misha abandoned his birthplace of Denmark for the United States, citing the winter weather ... which he had determined was being allowed to kill more homeless people in the U.S.

2. Ann 'The Man' Coulter

Salary: $39 | PF: 5 | EPP: 9 | OM: 10

What more can be said about Ann that hasn't already been said? Oh, yes - that she got her start in punditry when it turned out that she was the only person on a Fox News set who could suck her own dick. - AP

Fast Fact: Coulter owns a large collection of World War I-era British propoganda art depicting German soldiers eating babies, which she has filed in her personal library under "Recipes".

3. Pamela 'Atlas' Oshry

Salary: $39 | PF: 8 | EPP: 9 | OM: 500 cc's

Perhaps no eliminationist playing today better demonstrates the wisdom of the wise old saying: "Better to blog and be thought a meth-snorkling harpy, then to vlog and confirm it." - AP

Fast Fact: Wars in the Middle East have been fought over less land than that occupying the bony space between Pamela's fake tits.

4. B.C., Imperial Torturer

Salary: $35 | PF: 8 | EPP: 8 | OM: 9

Sauron to Misha's Morgoth, B.C. is just as venal as his liege ... but only half as clever. His enthusiasm for gun porn is matched only by his hatred of the French. B.C. bravely lives by the credo: "The only good Muslim terrorist is a fisked Muslim terrorist." - AP

Fast Fact: "B.C." stands for "Bellicose Child".

5. Michelle Malkin

Salary: $35 | PF: 9 | EPP: 8 | OM: 8

Regularly outraged that, as a woman and a minority, she possesses any rights at all, Malkin has made it her life's mission to lobby the U.S. government endlessly until she is anally probed every time she sets foot in public, and, finally, deported for not bearing enough children. - AP

Fast Fact: Malkin once reported herself to the INS.

6. Charles 'The Wagner of Jazz' Johnson

Salary: $33 | PF: 8 | EPP: 7 | OM: 9

Famous for having once refused to accompany Ahmad Jamal and Yusef Lateef on "Take the A-Train", this jazz musician-cum-hysterical racebaiter is currently lobbying the IOC to make kerning an Olympic sport. An advocate of winning Muslim "hearts and minds", the Lizard King is in the process of constructing the world's largest trophy case to contain them. - AP

Fast Fact: Johnson has written a 17-hour opera for air guitar based on the life of Baruch Goldstein.

7. Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant

Salary: $33 | PF: 4 | EPP: 10 | OM: google

The undisputed master of the Shite Club play, Lord Spatula is ready to kick your moonbat ass (as soon as you fork out for airfare to Dallas, navigate your way past security at his gated compound, then figure out how to convince the Sherriff's deputies that you should be released on your own recognizance). Plus, he's an awesome dad. - AP

Fast Fact: The real reason Saddam Hussein was found in that Tikrit bunker was that he was tunnelling to the center of the Earth to escape the wrath of Lord Spatula.

8. Debbie Schlussel

Salary: $29 | PF: 8 | EPP: 7 | OM: 8

Jayne Mansfield to Ann Coulter's Marilyn Monroe, Schlussel has made a career of subtly hinting at having decent tits and a face that's probably not as beat-looking in person. Thanks to her tireless efforts to expose the truth about the late Marla Ruzicka, we now know that the well-liked humanitarian was in fact the most evil person in the history of ever. - AP

Fast Fact: If threatened lawuits were horses, Schlussel would have a lot of fucking horses.

9. Allahpundit

Salary: $29 | PF: X | EPP: X | OM: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

10. Ian

Salary: $27 | PF: X | EPP: X | OM: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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KEY - PF: Posting Frequency ... EPP: Eliminationism Per Post ... OM: Overall Misanthropy

AUTHORS - AP: Assparrot ... CV: Cerdo Verde

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